Attempts at Humor
Thank you for calling the Department of Government Efficiency. Your call is important to us, though your job regretfully, is not.
Hello, you've reached the DOGE Automated Assistance Line. I'm DEI-PURGE-9000, your virtual assistant. For quality assurance, this call may be recorded, shared on X, or used as evidence in a future congressional hearing.
To continue in English, press 1. To continue in English but be flagged as suspiciously bilingual, press 2. [BEEP]
Thank you for selecting English! Your estimated wait time is 2-4 Trump administrations.
For questions about your sudden termination, press 1. For questions regarding the “justify your existence in five bullets points or less,” please press 2. To apply for a position as a “DOGE Kid,” please press 3 (please have your parental consent form signed and/or any recent court records available). To speak with a human representative... [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] Sorry, that option no longer exists. [BEEP]
You've selected "sudden termination." Is this regarding:
- A termination you've already received?
- A termination you're anxiously expecting?
- A termination you're reporting for someone else because they can no longer access their government email? [BEEP]
Great! Let me transfer you to our Department of Unexpected Career Transitions. Please note that due to staffing efficiencies, this department is no longer staffed. Please stand by and thank you for waiting. [ELEVATOR MUSIC: "Money" by Pink Floyd plays for 45 seconds, then abruptly cuts to a recording of Elon Musk laughing]
Did you know that DOGE is committed to fundamentally transforming the American economy by empowering thousands of new entrepreneurs? In the past, Government workers were consuming oxygen and hoarding valuable real estate. Now, Elon has set that creative potential free to pursue their potential without the constant burden of healthcare or retirement benefits.
Recently terminated and interested in working for DOGE? Good news! We’re accepting applications. Have previous militia experience or a penchant for aggressive management techniques? Join our Department of Voluntary Compliance and help enforce our new Comply or Resign initiative. Are you a young jobless 20-something hacker? Apply for a position at our Cyber-Directorate for Identity Theft and Sales.
Still waiting? Here at DOGE, we believe people work better and more efficiently when they know what the goal is and why. Our goal is to get you to resign. Why? Because we've concluded you're an unperson and all data related to your existence has been expunged.
I notice you're still holding. According to our records, you've been a federal employee for [DATA EXPUNGED] years. Unfortunately, that's [DATA EXPUNGED] years too many. Statistical analysis has shown that education, expertise and professional knowledge are highly over-rated and increase inefficiency. Here at DOGE, our motto is “Ignorance is Efficiency.” Just ask Congress.
For your convenience, we've prepared a severance package consisting of:
- One (1) DOGE-themed stress ball (already deflated for efficiency)
- A LinkedIn recommendation from our AI that reads "This person efficiently ceased being employed"
- A coupon for 10% off a Tesla Cybertruck (not valid for former NASA employees)
Remember, your termination isn't personal—it's just phase [STATIC] of our three-phased approach to maximizing autocratic... um, I mean, efficiency! Ha ha, silly algorithm.
Oh, and if you're wondering about your pension—don’t. You’ve been issued several shares of Truth Social. We want you to know that you have a voice in our Great Country.
This call may be disconnected at any time for efficiency purp… Click.
