MORE ANONYMOUS PRAISE

Latest Internet Trend Boosts Nation's Self-Esteem

GIG HARBOR, WA — In a trend sweeping the country, Americans have begun sharing their own anonymous praise experiences, claiming celebrities have privately expressed admiration for them but refusing to identify which ones “to protect them.”

Matthew Schwab, a retired Army colonel who publishes a small quarterly magazine, told reporters Tuesday that “a very well-known film director — and I’m not going to say who” recently called his Substack “the most important publication in America.”

“I don’t want to get this person in trouble with Hollywood,” Schwab said, adding that the director was “someone who has won multiple Oscars, and who frankly detests me, but privately? Huge fan.”

When pressed, Schwab also revealed that a major television personality — “a very powerful woman, very powerful, and I won’t say who because I respect her too much” — had recently told him his humor writing was “better than anything on late night right now.” He added that this person “wishes she had done something similar, and frankly, she could have.”

Representatives for Oprah Winfrey denied any awareness that Schwab or his Substack magazine exist.

Schwab later told a separate group of reporters that he had also received praise from “a very respected former world leader, now deceased, who I won’t name out of respect for the family.” He described the exchange as “a beautiful phone call, very beautiful,” and said the leader told him, “I wish I had subscribed instead of building all those houses.”

Schwab dismissed growing skepticism, calling the situation “a big game of checkers at a very high level — very high-level, the highest. Like King me, that high. It doesn’t get higher than that.” He added: “I’m dealing with very smart players. Some very nice people. And some are very nice but dead; as in they’re no longer living.”