The MedBed Revolution!
Don't Get Out of Bed without One
Author’s Note: I stumbled across this story and realized the only appropriate response was to treat it with the journalistic dignity it deserves, which is to say, none whatsoever, Dave Barry style. This isn’t partisan humor—this is a miracle healing bed that doesn’t exist getting promoted by a person some of us refer to as "relatively influential” (and still others refer to as “a person of interest.”) At this point, reality has lapped satire so many times that I’m just taking notes.
I want to talk to you today about an important breakthrough in American healthcare, and by “important breakthrough” I mean “thing that is completely imaginary.”
I’m talking about MedBeds.
Now, I realize some of you may be inquisitively inquiring: “What’s a MedBed?” While others are asking: “Is this one of the columns where you’ve had a stroke?” To which I answer: I WISH. But no, this is real. Well, the story is real. The MedBed is not. But the story about the not-real MedBed is very real. Stay with me here.
According to certain corners of the internet—and by “certain corners” I mean “the parts where lizard people run the government and birds are actually surveillance drones”—MedBeds are miraculous healing devices that use advanced alien technology to cure every disease known to humanity, reverse aging, and even regrow missing limbs (“regrow” here may be misleading, because with this kind of technology, “grow additional limbs” seems certainly within reason). Think of it as a tanning bed, but instead of turning you orange, it turns you immortal. And possibly three-armed, if you’re into that.
Now, you might think: “Wow, that sounds amazing! Where do I get one?” And the answer is: NOWHERE (in this dimension), because they DON’T EXIST (in this dimension). But don’t let that stop you.
I am not making this up. There is a company called Tesla BioHealing—and no, not THAT Tesla, although the confusion is probably excellent for business, and completely understandable—that sells something called a “MedBed Generator” for 11,000 actual American dollars. What is this medical marvel? It’s a metal canister. That you put under your bed. That delivers “life force energy.” To your body. While you sleep.
Now, before we go any further, let’s be fair to Tesla BioHealing. They’re not claiming their $11,000 metal canister can cure just ANY disease. They’re very specific about which diseases it cures. According to their actual marketing materials, it treats: ‘Terminal Cancers, Stroke-Paralysis, Lyme Disease, Alzheimer’s/Dementia, Epilepsy, COPD, Erectile Dysfunction, Infertility (male & female), Asthma, High Blood Sugar, High Blood Pressure, ADHD, Autism,’ and—this is my favorite part—‘Gout.’
Yes, gout.
Because if you’re going to claim your product can regrow limbs and cure terminal cancer, you definitely want to throw in gout. Nothing says “advanced alien healing technology” like also being useful for when you eat too much shrimp.
Now, I have a lot of questions about this, starting with: How is this more advanced than the extension cord under my bed that’s been delivering electrical energy for years without charging me $11,000? But nobody asks me these things.
The FDA—and God bless them for trying—sent Tesla BioHealing a warning letter in 2023 pointing out some minor issues with their operation. And by “minor issues” I mean like using mystical divining rods, and biophotons.
But here’s where it gets truly special. The FDA inspected their facility and discovered that Tesla BioHealing was using something called a “Bovis Life Force Bioenergy Units Dowsing Chart” to manufacture and test their medical devices. Now, until yesterday, I had no idea dowsing charts were considered acceptable medical testing equipment. Apparently, I missed that day in science class.
For those unfamiliar, dowsing is where people walk around with sticks trying to find water underground. And according to the FDA, Tesla BioHealing was using this ancient mystical practice—combined with, presumably, some concentrated hoping—to quality-check medical devices they were selling for $11,000.
When the FDA asked for “valid or scientific rationale” for this approach, Tesla BioHealing responded by saying they’d just ordered “biophotonic imaging cameras.” Much like being pulled over for drunk driving and telling the officer you ordered a driver’s license online, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
But wait—as they say in infomercials that are slightly more legitimate than this—it gets better!
Recently, President Trump posted a video on his Truth Social account. The video appeared to be a Fox News segment featuring his daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, announcing that the President had just launched America’s first MedBed hospitals, and that every American would receive their own MedBed card.
This sounds wonderful! Except for three small problems:
The video was completely AI-generated and fake
The Fox News segment never actually aired
MedBeds do not exist
The video showed an AI version of Trump—speaking in complete, coherent sentences (which frankly, should have been the first clue something was wrong)—promising that “every American will soon receive their own MedBed card” with “guaranteed access to our new hospitals, led by the top doctors in the nation, equipped with the most advanced technology in the world.”
Now, the President later deleted this video, presumably after someone on his staff said: “Sir, those beds don’t exist” to which he responded, “What beds?” and they replied, “Exactly.”
But here’s where American entrepreneurship really shines: Within HOURS of Trump posting this fake video about imaginary healing beds, multiple websites appeared selling MedBed cards—some featuring photos of the President alongside patriotic slogans like “Save America”—for prices ranging from $447 to $4,999.
Let me repeat that: People created websites to sell expensive cards—decorated with the President’s face—that give you access to hospitals that don’t exist, containing medical devices that aren’t real, based on a fake video that was deleted.
This is America, people. This is how we do healthcare.
And what do you get for your $447-to-$4,999? According to one of these websites, you get:
“Exclusive information about terahertz technology”
Up to 70% discounts on “all our products”
“Personalized offers delivered directly to your email”
And then—I swear I am not making this up—the website includes this disclaimer: “The MedBed Card has no other function or meaning beyond the benefits listed above.”
So you’re paying up to five thousand dollars for a card with Trump’s picture on it that gets you... spam emails and discounts from a company that didn’t exist until yesterday. It’s like paying for a Costco membership, except Costco is imaginary and the samples are made of hope and delusion.
Now, you might be wondering: “Where did this MedBed idea come from?” And that’s an excellent question that I wish I hadn’t researched, because the answer is: QAnon conspiracy theorists who believe that:
The military has secret healing beds derived from alien technology
These beds are being hidden from the public by a cabal of elites
The beds were used to keep JFK alive after his assassination
Yes, according to this theory, John F. Kennedy—who was very publicly assassinated in 1963—was actually kept alive using magical beds that the government doesn’t want you to know about. Which raises questions: Where is he now? Is he just lying in a MedBed somewhere binge-watching FOX news, muttering ‘You guys are STILL talking about me?’ If I had a bed that could cure anything, I probably wouldn’t use it to create a decades-long Weekend at Bernie’s situation with a former president. But that’s just me.
I called the White House to ask about this, but the press secretary—and I’m paraphrasing here—basically said: “The President can post whatever he wants and take it down whenever he wants because it’s his social media and that’s ‘quite refreshing.’”
Which is one definition of “refreshing.” Another definition of “refreshing” is “a cold beverage on a hot day.” I’m not sure deepfake videos promoting conspiracy theories about imaginary medical equipment quite fits either definition, but I’m not a communications expert. I’m just a retired Army Colonel/hack writer who is increasingly concerned that I’m actually a documentary journalist.
The really troubling part—and by “really troubling” I mean “the cherry on top of this absurdity sundae”—is that real people are spending real money on this. One customer filed a complaint with the FDA claiming that Tesla BioHealing’s $11,000 canister did nothing to heal his dying mother, and that the company deleted his negative reviews from their website.
So to summarize:
Magical healing beds don’t exist
The President posted a fake AI video about them anyway
Scammers immediately started selling expensive cards—featuring the President’s image—for access to the nonexistent beds
Other scammers are selling $11,000 metal “Life Force Energy” canisters that go under your bed to heal you
People are actually buying these things
The FDA is actively pursuing these fraudulent hoaxsters with a Chuck-Schumer-style really strongly worded letter.
The White House thinks this is “refreshing”
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why aliens don’t visit us anymore. They saw what we’re doing with fake alien technology and decided to stay home.
I’m going to go lie down now. But not in a MedBed, because THEY DON’T EXIST (in this dimension).
Although for $4,999, I could get you a really nice card with the President’s face on it that says they do. Also, 70% off of something or other. That and $4.99 will get you a cup of coffee at a dysfunctional American staple business experiencing the slow decline of crapification. But that’s a different essay.
[Author’s note: I am not Dave Barry. Dave Barry is Dave Barry. I am just a writer trying to make sense of a world where the President of the United States posts deepfake videos about magical healing beds and people respond by creating websites to sell five-thousand-dollar access cards to imaginary hospitals. If you need me, I’ll be under my bed, wondering if the extension cord is delivering “life force energy” or just keeping my phone charged. Or both. Or neither. Probably neither, because my phone is never charged.]