Wiki-Wiki Wanderings: All Aboard the Meta-List Express
Another List of Things You Didn't Know You Needed to Know
Here I am, on a rare, beautiful sunny day in Gig Harbor. I should be out raking the endless accumulation of cedar leaves and fallen branches in my yard, but instead, to my wife's eternal dismay, I'm diving deep into the world's most inclusive list of syntactic phenomena. You heard me, syntactic phenomena!! Take "anaphora," for instance – you know, when you say something like "My wife told me to rake the yard, but I ignored it" (where 'it' refers to both the command and my impending doom). The Wikipedia definition calls it "the use of an expression whose interpretation depends upon another expression in context." You know, as opposed to cataphora... which uses an expression or word that co-refers with a later, more specific expression in the discourse. Still with me? You really need to have a solid understanding of antecedents and postcedents, as if anyone reading a list of linguistic terms for fun needs more confusion in their life. You know what I mean.
Speaking of confusion and regret, I just emerged from the List of Eponyms, where I learned about anophthalmus hitleri – a blind 'troglobiont' (love that word!) cave beetle named after Hitler. Because apparently, some scientist in 1933 thought, "You know what the world needs right now? A blind beetle named after history's worst human." Now the poor thing is facing extinction because Nazi memorabilia collectors want it in their creepy collections. When scientists tried to rename it after WWII, the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature basically said, "Sorry, bureaucracy says no." Even beetle naming has red tape.
I'm not going to divulge how I discovered this particular rabbit hole. Trust me, explaining your wiki-journey is like trying to text your friend about last night's fever dream – aside from your therapist, no one really cares. It's just one of those things best left unexplained, like why anyone thought New Coke was a good idea.
Yes, I can feel my wife's friends doing that slow, synchronized head shake of sympathy. The one that says, "Oh, honey, how long has this been going on?" But listen – this isn't just any rabbit hole. This is the List of Lists, the Inception of Internet wandering, the ultimate mother of all rabbit holes.
And oh, what treasures await! There's the "List of Unusual Deaths," which includes a man who laughed for 25 minutes at a comedy show and died of heart failure (1989). Talk about dying from dad jokes. Or the "List of People Who Disappeared Mysteriously: Pre-1970," which reads like an Agatha Christie novel plotting session gone wild.
Then there's the "List of Hoards" – and no, we're not talking about your aunt's garage sale "collection." We're talking about hidden treasures that make your childhood penny collection look slightly less impressive. Though I must say, at least your pennies weren't stolen by some British Duke and stuck in a museum basement somewhere under a placard reading "Graciously Borrowed... Forever."
Want to feel particularly unproductive? Dive into the "List of Former State Routes in Georgia." It's like a memorial to roads that couldn't quite make it in the fast lane. Pour one out for State Route 726 – we hardly knew ye. It's the transportation equivalent of your high school yearbook's "Most Likely to Succeed" who peaked in sophomore year.
And if you're feeling brave, there's the "List of Coupled Cousins." Let's just say the British Royal Family tree looks more like a British Royal Family wreath. Some things are better left in the past, along with powdered wigs, lead-based makeup, and the idea that gout was a sign of nobility.
The "List of Fictional Extraterrestrials" includes my personal favorite, The Great Gazoo from The Flintstones (1965), proving that even stone-age cartoons needed a green alien in an encephalitic helmet to spice things up. It's like the writers said, "You know what this show about prehistoric families needs? A space man. With attitude."
My personal favorite might be the "List of Lists of Lists" – yes, that exists. It's like Wikipedia decided to go full Xzibit: "Yo dawg, I heard you like lists, so I put a list in your list so you can list while you list."
At least this is more productive than watching TikTok videos of people turning their morning coffee into performance art. Here, I'm learning things – weird, possibly useless things that might win me exactly one point at pub trivia someday, but things nonetheless.
Well, I should probably get back to my "research." I hear there's a "List of Discontinued Adobe Products" that's calling my name. Or maybe I'll check out the "List of Animals That Have Been Into Space" – because somewhere out there is a very proud family of space-faring fruit flies.
Until next time, fellow list-lurkers. Remember: every time you click on a Wikipedia link, somewhere a yard goes unraked. ∞
Your Faithful Wiki-Wanderer.
Sent from somewhere between the "List of Fictional Diseases" and the "List of Being John Malkovich Reactions to Being John Malkovich."
Care to follow the rabbit? Click the link below:
Wikipedia's List of Lists of Lists